Wow, what a year. I guess everyone says that, right? But seriously, 2013 has truly been a year of major ups and downs, huge emotional swings and a lot of questioning and self-doubt. At the same time I think I topped the charts in the self-growth department as well. If you’re into numerology, which I’m not, unless of course it suits me at the moment, you might like to know that back in April (my birth month) I started a Year One. There are nine years in numerology and you cycle through them over the course of your life. The year you are born is, of course, a Year One as well, so it probably won’t surprise you to know that anytime a Year One occurs in your life it signifies a new beginning or re-birth of sorts. Well, holy shit was I reborn. For the first time in my life I admitted to myself and a few other key people everything that was flawed with me and with my life – my frustrations with motherhood, my marriage, my friends, my family, my career and myself. I purged and then I fled. To Bali, that is, for two uninterrupted weeks of solitude, soul-searching and, above all else, forgiveness. Think cliched if you must, but know that giving myself that space, that 10,000 miles away of space, was exactly what the doctor ordered for this woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am thankful for having had the self-awareness to take that leap and for the support back home to make it logistically possible, not to mention guilt-free. The trip was certainly just one step in what seemed like a never-ending process to righting my path, but it was ultimately necessary.
Did I return self-actualized and live out the remainder of the year happily ever after? My God, no. The challenges seemed to keep coming up and testing my resolve and the resolve of my greatly improved relationship with my husband. Our kids began daycare in May and took turns throwing up and having diarrhea for literally two months. Our garage was robbed in September while we and the kids were home sleeping. A couple of weeks later Sean got into a car accident, though thankfully only the car was injured. Somehow through all of it, though, we survived. Perspective now plays an enormous role in my life and I am always aware of how good we have it. Our struggles have been very, very real, but we are also extremely blessed. I am blessed with a loving spouse, healthy children and financial stability – just a few things that not enough people in this world are free to enjoy.
As always, I have goals for the new year. Not resolutions, but goals. The word goal just seems more realistic to me and less like Lent. Also, I don’t have to beat myself up if I don’t reach said goals. I think I have a pretty good shot at them, though. Here are a few: treat our dogs more like we did before we had kids, be more conscious of every purchase I make and cut out the overly impulsive ones (I should probably delete my Amazon app), YOGA (i.e. do more of it) and buck up at work (I have a new team and a new manager this year, so I really want to prove myself). Other than that, and this is not a goal, but just a way of life: always remember that marriage is hard work, but if both people really (and I mean REALLY) put forth the effort, it can be an incredibly magical thing. Sean and I have never been closer emotionally and physically (it’s MY blog, damn it, I’ll say whatever I want!) than we are today and yet, one year ago today, we were on the brink of utter ruin. In one month we are leaving for Maui where we will celebrate 5 years of marriage in the very condo we celebrated our honeymoon and we both agree it’s going to be even better than it was the first time around.
Cheers to 2014 and to all of my family, friends and colleagues who make each year so special. Human connections are really what life is all about, after all. If we nurture the old ones and continue to make new and healthy ones, we can all be sure to live out each year to its fullest potential.
Much love in the new year,
Happy New Year. You got it about marriage. You guys have had 2 kids in the first 5 years. These are trying times for every partnership, my god….I now actually pity anyone I see pregnant because I know what’s coming. But, you’re right, if both can put forth their best effort, beauty ensues. But it gets way better when the youngest is 5. Just wait…..